Last week as I was recovering from the yucky stomach flu I got a phone call from our amazing church videographer, Evan. He asked if our Pastor had spoken with me over the last couple of days. Nope. I had not spoken with Pastor Kim. Evan explained that the message at church on Easter Sunday would be about never forgetting what Jesus had done. He then asked if Aaron and I would be willing to share our testimony via video with our church family. Immediately I wanted to scream, YES! I knew this is what Jesus wanted us to do. I knew we needed to do this, but...I also had to check with Aaron first. He responded quickly knowing just like I did that we had to do this. It was our story...and one we needed to share with many who needed to hear it. I won't keep you waiting...here it is. But, I must tell you that the only way Aaron and I were able to share this was with our Jesus' help. The same Jesus who carried us through that October week carried us through this testimony. Giving all praise and glory to the one who gave us our precious gift, Elliott Aamodt.
Aaron and April's Story from North County Christ the King on Vimeo.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
A Hard Month
Wow. This month has been one for the record books. One I care not to visit again. Ever. I knew it was going to be hard with my due date being in March, but...I kinda wasn't expecting it to be this hard. The anxiety, fear & depression came crashing upon me on my due date and it didn't let up until this past week. I prayed, quoted scripture and clung to my Jesus. And if that wasn't enough Halle and I both had the stomach flu. The first time for our sweet girl. And, let's just say this Mommy doesn't do very well with the throw up. Yuck. At least we didn't have it at the very same time. Thank you Jesus. I learned of two other Mommies that lost sweet babies to Jesus this month. Way too soon.....I don't know either of them, but...my heart aches with them and longs for Heaven where we can see our sweet babies again....whole and well. I can't wait. Sometimes heaven seems so far away.
Do any of you watch "19 Kids and Counting" on TLC?? I absolutely love this show. I love the Duggar's. Having 19 children is definitely not for us, but...this family does it well. And...I don't necessarily agree with having more children when you are 45. But, it is definitely not my place to judge them...they are sticking to their faith and convictions and we all need more of that in this fallen world. I was concerned when Michelle announced she was pregnant again, especially in light of her pregnancy and early birth of Josie. I was pregnant with Elliott at the time and for some reason this made me even more concerned for her. When they found out that sweet Jubilee Shalom had went to be with Jesus, I could certainly identify with her as we had been in the same place just two months before. My heart ached for her, Jim Bob and the entire Duggar Family. What a great loss. As Jubilee's story unfolded via media I was so glad they had celebrated her life. And...I so looked forward to watching this story on their show. When it aired this week I sat on the couch prepared with a box of kleenex. I knew I would need it. I could hardly make it through the previews without sobbing. So many emotions swirled through my head. So many similarities between our situations. Even the words Michelle spoke as she was laying on the exam table after her ultrasound. I spoke the very same words after the ER Doctor told Aaron and I that I was having a miscarriage. "The Lord gives and takes away....Blessed be the name of the Lord". Michelle also spoke of her thankfulness.....that she got to see Jubilee and her sweet features. That she looked just like a little Duggar. I so loved that. Especially since I could see features of both Aaron and I in our sweet Elliott, truth be told....I think he would have probably looked more like his Daddy. He certainly had his lips....and still every.single.time. I look at Aaron's face and see his side view I get so happy knowing he has a son that looks like him. To me I love that reminder. I wish the Duggar's did not experience this same loss....and I wish we didn't either, but...I know our Jesus has a much bigger plan for our family and theirs. And I also know that He does not promise us a world without trials and tribulations. I know that He will carry you and me and every single one of us through these trials and tribulations if we only seek Him with all our hearts. Cling to Him my friends.
Will you continue to pray for our family, please? A friend of ours posted on FB a week or so ago that families that have lost a baby are in a very lonely place. It's true. This week Aaron and I are preparing to share our testimony, well it's really Elliott's testimony via video for our church family. We know that this is what Jesus wants us to do, but...I expect it will not be an easy task. Please pray He will give us the words to say that will touch others and help them understand that Jesus truly can carry you. And while your at it. Bind the devil. We are doing Jesus' work and I know he won't like it one bit. But, too bad. Take that nasty, old devil. The score: One for Jesus....BIG FAT ZERO for you devil.
Do any of you watch "19 Kids and Counting" on TLC?? I absolutely love this show. I love the Duggar's. Having 19 children is definitely not for us, but...this family does it well. And...I don't necessarily agree with having more children when you are 45. But, it is definitely not my place to judge them...they are sticking to their faith and convictions and we all need more of that in this fallen world. I was concerned when Michelle announced she was pregnant again, especially in light of her pregnancy and early birth of Josie. I was pregnant with Elliott at the time and for some reason this made me even more concerned for her. When they found out that sweet Jubilee Shalom had went to be with Jesus, I could certainly identify with her as we had been in the same place just two months before. My heart ached for her, Jim Bob and the entire Duggar Family. What a great loss. As Jubilee's story unfolded via media I was so glad they had celebrated her life. And...I so looked forward to watching this story on their show. When it aired this week I sat on the couch prepared with a box of kleenex. I knew I would need it. I could hardly make it through the previews without sobbing. So many emotions swirled through my head. So many similarities between our situations. Even the words Michelle spoke as she was laying on the exam table after her ultrasound. I spoke the very same words after the ER Doctor told Aaron and I that I was having a miscarriage. "The Lord gives and takes away....Blessed be the name of the Lord". Michelle also spoke of her thankfulness.....that she got to see Jubilee and her sweet features. That she looked just like a little Duggar. I so loved that. Especially since I could see features of both Aaron and I in our sweet Elliott, truth be told....I think he would have probably looked more like his Daddy. He certainly had his lips....and still every.single.time. I look at Aaron's face and see his side view I get so happy knowing he has a son that looks like him. To me I love that reminder. I wish the Duggar's did not experience this same loss....and I wish we didn't either, but...I know our Jesus has a much bigger plan for our family and theirs. And I also know that He does not promise us a world without trials and tribulations. I know that He will carry you and me and every single one of us through these trials and tribulations if we only seek Him with all our hearts. Cling to Him my friends.
Will you continue to pray for our family, please? A friend of ours posted on FB a week or so ago that families that have lost a baby are in a very lonely place. It's true. This week Aaron and I are preparing to share our testimony, well it's really Elliott's testimony via video for our church family. We know that this is what Jesus wants us to do, but...I expect it will not be an easy task. Please pray He will give us the words to say that will touch others and help them understand that Jesus truly can carry you. And while your at it. Bind the devil. We are doing Jesus' work and I know he won't like it one bit. But, too bad. Take that nasty, old devil. The score: One for Jesus....BIG FAT ZERO for you devil.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
March 3
Because it's late and sleep is evading me. Or, more like I'm avoiding it. And....my due date is looming right ahead of me. The house is quiet, less Hal's coughing down the hall and Elliott's soundtrack playing on iTunes. And my sobbing. I'm trying to do it quietly so I don't wake up my sweet, tired husband. I miss our sweet Elliott terribly. More than anyone will ever know. My heart hurts. My emotions are swirling around inside my head. I once thought I may forget him. Never. Not a chance. Ever. I just looked at his pictures and silently sobbed for what we don't have. A little boy who looks like his Daddy. Chubby arms and legs playing with cars and trucks. Sweet jammies with guitars on them. The chance of red hair and brown eyes. Hugs around my neck and slobbery kisses on my cheek. Dirt. Lots of dirt. A little brother for our Halle girl. Oh, sweet boy....you are missing out on all of this. I'm so sorry. I know heaven is a indescribable place filled with kindness, love, Your Grampie and most importantly, our Jesus. But, you're there and we're here. It's just not fair. I didn't get to feel you snuggle up close to me while I whispered in your ear, "I love you buddy"....or sweetly kiss your sweet head while Mama fed you at night.
This thing called grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It stinks. No ifs, ands or buts about it. It can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. It can turn me into a mushy, sobbing mess. If you're not careful it can consume you. This week I'm trying very hard to find JOY. But, as March 3, Elliott's due date approaches it's getting harder and harder for me to do so. So, I'm going with it. I'm crying, processing and remembering. I'm trying so hard to find that JOY. But, right now I choose to be sad and feel all the emotions Elliott's birth brings me. I'm fondly remembering the nurses and the care we received at the hospital. We are still so thankful for all of them. And all my Doctor's. Our Jesus knew what I needed. Every single step of the way. Our amazing church family. Our friends who still hold us close and remember us in their prayers. Thank you, sweet Amy, for asking me how I was doing this week....as you knew March 3 was approaching. That meant the world to me. I tried so hard to be strong and courageous, but...I'm losing that battle right now. And I would say that's ok. My Jesus knows my hurt and more importantly, my heart. So many, many great things have come from Elliott's too short, yet so meaningful life. Those are the things that bring me great JOY.
This thing called grief is a crazy, unpredictable thing. It stinks. No ifs, ands or buts about it. It can rear it's ugly head when you least expect it. It can turn me into a mushy, sobbing mess. If you're not careful it can consume you. This week I'm trying very hard to find JOY. But, as March 3, Elliott's due date approaches it's getting harder and harder for me to do so. So, I'm going with it. I'm crying, processing and remembering. I'm trying so hard to find that JOY. But, right now I choose to be sad and feel all the emotions Elliott's birth brings me. I'm fondly remembering the nurses and the care we received at the hospital. We are still so thankful for all of them. And all my Doctor's. Our Jesus knew what I needed. Every single step of the way. Our amazing church family. Our friends who still hold us close and remember us in their prayers. Thank you, sweet Amy, for asking me how I was doing this week....as you knew March 3 was approaching. That meant the world to me. I tried so hard to be strong and courageous, but...I'm losing that battle right now. And I would say that's ok. My Jesus knows my hurt and more importantly, my heart. So many, many great things have come from Elliott's too short, yet so meaningful life. Those are the things that bring me great JOY.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Gratitude
This my friends may be hard for some of you to read. I hope you plug on through and try, just try to understand my heart and where I am coming from. I have been pregnant four times. Yes four. I have not once brought that baby home from the hospital with me. I do not have five kids to care for at home. Instead, I have four babies in heaven with their Grampie, a grave for my son and the label of "infertile". I am not looking for sympathy or trying to make any of you feel guilty. I am simply sharing my heart. Infertility and pregnancy loss is not an easy thing to talk about for most. For me, it's simple. It's my life. It's my testimony. It's why I am the way I am. Am I sad that my body is not able to carry my children. Yes. Do I cry? Yes. Is it hard for me to understand? Yes.
To be pregnant, let's face it, to get pregnant is a miracle. Not just for me. For any woman. Do you know, seriously know, how the female body works? What all has to fall in place for a woman to conceive during the small window in which this can happen during her cycle? Just a sidenote: if you don't...you should read "Taking Charge of your Fertility". It lays it all out for you. A miracle. That's right. Let's go back to that. Maybe losing babies makes you more aware of this. But, I'm telling each and every one of you...it shouldn't. Again I say, to be pregnant is a miracle. I know being pregnant is not fun for some. And I think most women would agree that it's work. Hard work. In the beginning you're tired, nauseous, crabby and even more crabby(!)....ask my husband about that! No. On second thought you better not. You have indigestion and gas. Your guts are moving up to provide room. Your hormones are running a muck and you are growing a little person inside your belly. Seriously. This is amazing. The first moment you see that little peanut via ultrasound with it's itty bitty heart beating it's all worth it. You cry. As you get further along, your back begins hurting. You're carrying around more weight and the more weight you put on your belly the more you feel it on your back. This makes you more crabby. You visit the Chiropractor and the Massage Therapist, looking for relief. But, it's part of carrying your miracle. Did I have back pain? YES. Was I uncomfortable? YES. As your belly gets bigger your muscles hurt as they stretch. And I only carried Elliott for 19 weeks. I can't imagine what my back would have felt like when I was 38 weeks or 40+ weeks.
I can tell you how grateful I am. That our Jesus gave us Elliott. That I carried him for 19 weeks. Moving and kicking in my belly. I feel so privileged. So thankful. So full of gratitude. Even for the nausea, tiredness and back pain. Because of this I feel sad. Sad for women I see complaining openly about their aches and pains while they are pregnant. Sharing with everyone they know how "done they are" with carrying their miracle. It hurts my heart so. I long for them to see the gratitude in their pregnancy. To know the thankfulness Jesus has given me. To realize the gift growing inside them. If you asked my friends who are pregnant now and have been before they would share my feelings. They have spent time with me. They know my heart. They have aches and pains like I did. Wouldn't it be better if you focused on the good? The grateful? Count down the days until you deliver with happiness? And get to hold your son or daughter? That you get to have your baby inside of you still? Growing and moving? Kicking you to remind you he/she is there? I sure think so.
To be pregnant, let's face it, to get pregnant is a miracle. Not just for me. For any woman. Do you know, seriously know, how the female body works? What all has to fall in place for a woman to conceive during the small window in which this can happen during her cycle? Just a sidenote: if you don't...you should read "Taking Charge of your Fertility". It lays it all out for you. A miracle. That's right. Let's go back to that. Maybe losing babies makes you more aware of this. But, I'm telling each and every one of you...it shouldn't. Again I say, to be pregnant is a miracle. I know being pregnant is not fun for some. And I think most women would agree that it's work. Hard work. In the beginning you're tired, nauseous, crabby and even more crabby(!)....ask my husband about that! No. On second thought you better not. You have indigestion and gas. Your guts are moving up to provide room. Your hormones are running a muck and you are growing a little person inside your belly. Seriously. This is amazing. The first moment you see that little peanut via ultrasound with it's itty bitty heart beating it's all worth it. You cry. As you get further along, your back begins hurting. You're carrying around more weight and the more weight you put on your belly the more you feel it on your back. This makes you more crabby. You visit the Chiropractor and the Massage Therapist, looking for relief. But, it's part of carrying your miracle. Did I have back pain? YES. Was I uncomfortable? YES. As your belly gets bigger your muscles hurt as they stretch. And I only carried Elliott for 19 weeks. I can't imagine what my back would have felt like when I was 38 weeks or 40+ weeks.
I can tell you how grateful I am. That our Jesus gave us Elliott. That I carried him for 19 weeks. Moving and kicking in my belly. I feel so privileged. So thankful. So full of gratitude. Even for the nausea, tiredness and back pain. Because of this I feel sad. Sad for women I see complaining openly about their aches and pains while they are pregnant. Sharing with everyone they know how "done they are" with carrying their miracle. It hurts my heart so. I long for them to see the gratitude in their pregnancy. To know the thankfulness Jesus has given me. To realize the gift growing inside them. If you asked my friends who are pregnant now and have been before they would share my feelings. They have spent time with me. They know my heart. They have aches and pains like I did. Wouldn't it be better if you focused on the good? The grateful? Count down the days until you deliver with happiness? And get to hold your son or daughter? That you get to have your baby inside of you still? Growing and moving? Kicking you to remind you he/she is there? I sure think so.
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